Main | NOTES OF INTENSE PERIOD – Jan 4 - 8, 2005 »
December 08, 2004
Peter’s biopsy
I spent a lot of time in my twenties and early thirties with self reflection and personal growth. I have sometimes wondered if it was mostly ego centric indulgence. Yet at times like now I am thankful for the centering practices I have learned.
I am waiting for Peter to come back from the recovery room after having had a surgical biopsy of his left mid temporal lobe. It has been less than a week since we heard the word, tumour, in the neurologists office. At the time I felt like the walls were closing in on me and the sobs that I was desperately trying to control spilled out. It seemed as if one part of me was spiraling into shock and panic while another part of me was getting a grip. I somehow managed to listen and even remember what the neurologist was saying ……..Need a biopsy right away….. Neurosurgeons in Brisbane…..most likely one of two types of tumour ….. one type imminently treatable, other type not treatable …. No way to cushion bad news …..sorry.
Dr. Boyce, the neurologist, got on the phone while we were still seated in front of him and left a message for the head of Neurosurgery at the Princess Alexander hospital in Brisbane.
Driving home Peter told me of an experience he had some months ago of feeling as if he was given the date that he would die. The date that came to him was the 6th of some month (which he now can not remember) in 2006. He didn’t tell me at the time because he didn’t want to frighten me with a “mind game� and he hasn’t wanted to give it too much energy lest we have some power in manifesting such events in our lives.
As soon as we made it to Saul and Deryn’s (where Chloe and Dylan were) I called my brother Dan whom is a doctor. He was compassionate yet clearly shaken and I sobbed. My immediate thinking was about how life would be for Chloe, Dylan and I should Peter die in the next couple of years. The children are so bonded with their father and he is such a wonderful and loving father ……..I can’t begin to imagine the impact on them and our family life should Peter die while they are still young.
When I feel into the possibility of losing Peter for myself it feels like having to sit in a huge, empty, silent and cold void. I imagine I would confront my aloneness like never before. I am very committed to continuing to grow and I hope to do so in some other way than losing Peter at our young age.
Back to the day at hand. Peter was taken to the operating theatre at around 11:00 this morning. I kissed him good-bye and went to the hospital chapel for a quiet space to reflect, pray, meditate and send Peter my love. It was empty there and I was grateful to have the space. First I cried because that was what was there and real. The crying passed and I felt a deep surrender to God. A surrender to not knowing, to not being in control and to having a human personality that usually struggles with all that. I was clear that I was praying for Peter to heal and to continue living and growing with his family. I was aware that the bigger picture may not match my desire. I felt open, vulnerable and centered. I felt trust in existence and our ability (mine and Peter’s) to walk the path that we are finding ourselves on.
Then I became aware of the energetic scene in the operating theater. I felt that those human’s working on Peter were good people, competent and giving 100%. I also imagined (or perceived?) a host of non-human beings who were giving support and guidance to the team of doctors as well as doing their own healing work on Peter. I felt immense gratitude to all of them and thanked them all.
Then I sent love, love and more love to Peter. I settled into a meditative state. After awhile I started to feel overwhelmingly sleepy. I couldn’t tell if the fact that I have very little sleep in my life was causing it. (On the rare occasions when I stop physically moving and taking care of family life I often feel how tired I am). Or was I intuitively feeling the anesthetic going to work on Peter? I also felt a sensation and pressure on the left side of my head around the area where they were doing the biopsy. I found myself talking to Peter. I felt like his physical body/personality? were feeling shock and panic at the paralyzing effects of the anesthesia. I don’t know how or why I felt this. Was it my projection or perception? I told Peter what was happening and soothingly told him to relax, to not fight it but relax around the experience. I felt like Peter’s being was strong and fine but his body or personality may need assurance.
Soon it seemed to me that he did relax on all levels and all was well.
I simply sat quietly for a while longer before making myself go eat some lunch.
……a few hours later….. the anesthesiologist just walked by. He said all went well and that Peter was waking up in the recovery room. Now we have a waiting game until the biopsy comes back. Deep breath.
Posted by Peter at December 8, 2004 12:53 AM