It is interesting timing that Peter has just had a PET scan that does not show tumour, only damaged tissue. I guess that signifies that we are going into phase II …. Maintaining Peter’s health and documenting the journey. Good thing I have lots of notes from sessions and research not to mention a well toned memory. I am going to need it.

So here is how it all started in my words.

The Wake Up Call

27th October 2004

Our lives changed in the early morning of October 26th 2004. Peter woke me at 1:00 am apparently having a nightmare. He was intensely distressed and told me he was burning. He said, “burning, burning … it stinks, it stinks, oh it is too much, too much." He seemed to be having some strong chemical smells that he could barely tolerate. I told him he was dreaming, held him tightly and thought I had woken him. It quickly became apparent that he was in another reality. He said, “Was it you that I was talking to last week about Queen Hecephalant" I was alarmed and so was Peter. In the early moments he was aware that he wasn’t making sense. He said he was sleepy though and I entertained the thought that perhaps he was so deeply asleep that he just couldn’t wake up properly. He thought maybe he should just go back to sleep but I wasn’t comfortable with that. I told him I was going to wake him up fully to make sure he was OK. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me my name. He said, “Jennifer ……Hills". Oh shit. I was momentarily convinced that he was having a psychiatric break and found myself frightened and irrationally disappointed with him. That quickly passed and I decided to get him up and take him to our living room so as not to wake 13-month-old Dylan and four year old Chloe sleeping in the next room. He held my hand and I led him to the sofa. He sat down and I noted he was getting more and more confused. Seeing chill bumps on his body I asked him if he was cold. He said, “I don’t know."
        â€œAre you warm?"
        â€œI don’t know?."
        â€œDo you need to pee?"
        â€œI don’t know?"
He looked distressed in his body and was writhing. Finally he said, “ I think I need to crap." I led him to the toilet and he did have a bowel movement. He couldn’t figure out how to get the toilet paper off the roll and I had to do that for him.

His speech was deteriorating more and more. He was hallucinating both visually and olfactorally. He kept looking down at his body and talking about his hairs and wondering how they had gotten so long. I decided to call our friend Saul. I knew that Peter had experimented with hallucinogenics when he was in his twenties and I wondered if it was possible that he was having a drug flash back. He appeared like a person tripping to me having seen it and having heard friend’s stories although I haven’t experimented with hallucinogenics myself.

When I got Saul on the phone he suggested I check Peter for snake and spider bites while he was on his way over. We do live in Australia after all. When I did so I noticed that Peter had an erection. I had noticed it earlier too and thought it strange. By now Peter was reclining on our day bed and I had covered him with blankets. Peter was quiet with eyes closed. Every time I would address him he would startle as he opened his eyes. He looked like a confused and frightened child. He seemed to be struggling to take in what was happening. His ability to communicate in an articulate way was slipping severely. By the time Saul arrived to take him to our local hospital (I needed to stay home with baby Dylan and Chloe) he was interjecting gibberish into his attempts at communicating.

When I told him Saul was taking him to hospital he looked worried and a bit resistant but allowed us to lead him to the door. He had a cold sweat and was nauseas so I gave him a big bowl to take in the car. All he could say was, “scary babe, scary babe." I think he wanted to tell me he was scared and that was the best he could do.

The nurse from the local hospital had to call me for Peter’s details because Peter couldn’t tell her his name nor his birth date. She told me that he had told her that his name was Paul Hock but she knew from Saul that that was incorrect.

The doctor called me a half hour later and drilled me about whether or not Peter was a drug user. I had to assure him repeatedly that he was not before he would let that idea go. Then he said, “ I have to be honest, I have no clue what is happening with Peter so I am sending him by ambulance to Lismore Base hospital".

Saul later told me that when the doctor pointed at Saul and asked Peter if he knew who he was Peter said, “Yes, he is a banana." That would be humorous under other circumstances.

I phoned my brother, Dan, in the States. When I described Peter’s symptoms to him he immediately said that it sounded like a seizure aura to him. I am continuously impressed with my brother’s medical intelligence. Even over the phone with no physical exam he was spot on. I am proud of him and grateful for his willingness to explain things to me in times like these.

A few hours passed. I tried to sleep to no avail but I did note that underneath my worry I thought I had a little voice telling me that Peter would be OK.

Early in the morning I managed to sleep for an hour or so. Saul phoned at around 5:30 to say that he was on his way back to Mullum and that Peter had had a seizure in the ambulance on the way to Lismore. He told me that Peter was in the IC unit and that the staff had told him they would call me. Saul was surprised they hadn’t done so yet. Saul encouraged me to get to Lismore as soon as I could. He had already arranged for his wife and my close friend, Deryn, to come to our home to take care of Chloe and Dylan. He said no more than that. Although I wanted to get to Peter as soon as possible I found it a bit disconcerting that he was so adamant about my getting there quickly. It was only later that I heard Saul’s full story. Suffice it to say that being witness to Peter’s journey to Lismore was a frightening and impactful ordeal for him (my words). You see, at some point along the one hour journey the ambulance suddenly pulled over, the driver jumped out, the doors were thrown open and Saul could see Peter convulsing severely. Peter’s body shut down. He had to be intubated and resuscitated. I thank God for that driver. Peter’s situation was out of the nurse’s scope who was riding with him. He likely would have died with out the help he received.

The ambulance driver took off from that point on and Saul could see that they were in a serious hurry to get Peter to the hospital. Saul paced outside of Emergency for what seemed an eternity to him while they worked on Peter. He was glad that it had been him with Peter so that I was spared having to see him almost die. Beautiful Saul. Our families have a strong bond. We are blessed with such amazing friends. Saul is approximately 14 years older than Peter and has known him since Peter was a child living in India.

An Emergency room nurse asked Saul if he had a friend who could come be with him because “his friend was in a dire situation." No wonder Saul was so anxious to get me there but didn’t want to divulge too much either.

I called Peter’s mother in Germany (Peter’s sister, Kylie, and her husband, Greg, happened to be in Germany visiting). I informed them of the situation.

Amazingly, my first interaction with the Australian health care system was a call from the intensive care nurse to inquire whether I was on my way and to offer to immediately send a social worker to care for our children at our home if I was having trouble arranging child care. I was impressed with the friendliness and extension of help.

As soon as Deryn arrived to look after the children I was on my way. Susanna, Peter’s deceased dad’s wife, drove me at Saul and Gandhi’s suggestion. We prepared ourselves to see an intense scene. We knew at that point that he was being kept in an intentional coma so as to run tests to try to determine the cause of his seizure.

Although I knew it was going to be shocking it was…..shocking. Peter looked so incredibly vulnerable. There were tubes coming out of most of his orifices, a couple of different IV’s, heart monitors, etc., etc. He was on a breathing machine and it was distressing to see his lungs artificially and rhythmically expanding and contracting to the sound of the machine. But…..my beloved was alive. The sedative they had him on to keep him under was a short lived one that had to be re-administered frequently. When it would start to wear off Peter would start to gag on the breathing tube and would try to raise his hands up to his face. His face was contorted and I could see he was extremely distressed. The intensive care nurse was a beautiful human being whom explained everything she knew to me and allowed me to be a part of Peter’s care. I held his hands down (with effort) while he struggled and talked to him letting him know that I was there, what was happening, and encouraging him to relax. Every time the nurses interacted with him or changed anything, they spoke to him first and let him know what they were about to do even though he was in a coma and not responding. They were very loving and respectful. That made me feel so good in a challenging situation. I thanked them time and again.

His nurse told me that the fact that I didn’t let Peter go back to sleep had saved his life. Thank God I followed my gut.

I felt strong and present while also feeling shocked and worried. I sat by Peter’s side touching him and talking to him for hours on end. Once when they needed to change the breathing tube they suggested I take a walk because it would be an intense thing to watch. I went out to the waiting room and had a big cry while Susanna was engaged elsewhere.

When I went back in I sat again by Peter. Susanna and I were both quiet and meditative. At some point I perceived light beings around Peter’s head. Three of them. I accepted the strange event and felt it to be positive. It was obvious that these other worldly beings were benevolent and were working on Peter’s head. I simultaneously partially saw them and partially felt them. It is hard for me to explain this phenomenon but I felt comforted by them.

Meanwhile Peter was checked for a number of possible illnesses. The CAT Scan showed nothing, meningitis was ruled out, as were many other things. An EEG was done and epilepsy was not active or evident.

All the hospital staff I interacted with were friendly and competent. The intensive care doc, Craig, personally used his mobile phone to call my brother Dan internationally to let him know what they were doing n the ICU.

In the early evening Craig decided to bring Peter out of the coma. He came out well and I was overjoyed to have Peter recognize me and respond well to questions. He was very fragile but hadn’t lost his sense of humour. One of the first things he said was, “it is a good thing this happened in Australia and not America." In fact I had the wonderfully bizarre experience of having to sign a form stating that Peter’s hospitalization was a non-chargeable admission!! This brought a feeling of relaxation to my belly. I could place my focus unimpeded on Peter without worrying about how we were going to manage the healthcare bills. I am more than happy to pay slightly higher taxes here to receive this support. Even if I never use the medical system again I find a satisfaction in knowing that I am contributing to others in need also being taken care of in their moment of crisis.

Peter’s short-term memory was a bit off. He seemed to ask me the same or similar questions quite frequently through the evening. He ate some broth and we enjoyed a good cuddle. It was hard to leave him but it had been a long day away from Chloe and Dylan.

Dylan had never spent so many hours away from me. I knew he was in good hands with Deryn but he did cry when I arrived as if to let me know how he felt about my absence.

Getting the children home and in bed was a hectic event. I was exhausted but very on for the children feeling for their upheaval. I explained to Chloe that Papa was sick and was staying in the hospital so the doctors could help him to heal.

LIQUID FIRE LIGHT VISION

Once the children were asleep I made a few phone calls and readied myself for bed.
While doing so I was musing about Peter’s interest in shamanism and the Carlos Castaneda work. In the world of shamanism there is the belief that we can be attacked by errant inhuman beings or other worldly entities. I wondered about Peter’s current situation. I am not sure if I believe this literally but I felt quite passionately that if such a thing were true those beings would have to get passed me before doing any more damage to Peter. At that moment I had a very spontaneous vision come to me in which I looked down to see my body made of a shimmery, golden, liquid firelight. I was astride the most magnificent male lion I have ever seen who was also made of liquid firelight. I held some sort of staff in my hand and felt completely fearless and invincible. I saw darkness all around me and knew that I was going into battle with this malicious energy. I let out a loud yell … a battle cry, the lion roared and we sped forward into the darkness. As we surged ahead I looked over my shoulder. To my amazement I saw all those who know and love Peter flanked out behind me also rushing into the darkness to do battle on Peter’s behalf. As we continued on deeper into the darkness I had the realization that we were inside Peter’s brain. At that moment the vision broke. I felt shaken and exhilarated by the vision. It seemed like more than just my imagination. I felt empowered to help Peter through his ordeal.

Got valium into P and luckily Leela showed up to help with dinner and kids. Seizure didn’t respond to first dose of valium. P was becoming extremely fearful and didn’t want me to leave his side. I called Dr. Heyning and was directed to wait an hour and if still seizuring give more valium. A half hour after the first valium P was still very physically distressed. On toilet, feeling severely nauseous, bowels disturbed …. physical pain and fear were strong features. I called Dr. Paul Parritt in Sydney. He is the ex NASA forensic pathologist who we have been working with. He healed himself of leukemia some years ago and since has devoted his practice to researching and developing alternative management of cancers. He has treated “many� astrocytomas but because of NSW health and privacy laws can not talk about his success rates do to possibly giving terminally ill patients false hope. I understand terminally ill patients and their families are at risk for being taken advantage of by unsavory shiesters but god knows cancer patients could benefit from being encouraged to explore many levels of healing and hold the possibility for recovery. Taking responsibility for one’s healing process and thinking both positively as well as outside the box is precisely what could “miraculously� create a survivor against all odds. Even if the disease isn’t “cured� and the body dies I believe much healing can happen. But I have gone off on a tangent.

Back to calling Paul. We were wondering if the mushroom tea Peter had been taking was making him sick. Paul said he’d never had a patient have an adverse reaction. For prudence sake we took P off the mushroom for three days.

Once Leela came I was able to fully be with P. He felt he had to make himself throw up because nausea was so intense. He waited till we were sure valium would have been in bloodstream. The amount of vomit he actually got up was not much but the effect energetically was impressive. It was very physical, violent even, and he had huge wretching spasms.

Peter moved to bed and was crying strongly. He said it was the worst he had ever felt in his life. His stomach and guts were so painful and the nausea so strong. He kept saying over and over, “I feel poisoned, I feel poisoned.� P was also very frightened and the combination of the physical and emotional started to make me question again whether we should get him to emergency. I called Paul Parritt again. He suggested we take the second dose of valium (I had been trying but P felt like he couldn’t swallow even a small pill and sip of water). Paul also said he would contact a colleague in the States and get back in touch with us the next day regarding the ongoing nature of the seizure and the intense reactions. He felt we had to decide whether to take P to emergency since he couldn’t see him.

The intensity ratcheted up yet another notch. Peter was in tears, terrified, and in great pain. I initially felt like all this was a sign of detox, a healing crisis, a purge of poisons being released from his physical and emotional body. If so this was something to embrace and ride out. But then I started questioning where we should be. I felt like it was becoming too much and I certainly didn’t want to chance P’s safety. I took him to the Emergency room at Mullum. It was the dinner hour. A time when the children like to have Mama. The kids were screaming for me as we went out the door, Peter was reeling toward the car, Chloe clutching my leg and telling me through tears that she didn’t want me to go and Dylan screaming in Leela’s arms….all so upset. I felt my heart ripped into shreds. Obviously I had to take P to get help….he was in such terror and pain and wanted me by his side. My babies felt the intensity and wanted their mama. This was agony for me yet I acted clearly and decisively for the need at hand. We better start a therapy fund for the kids. This was not how I imagined their early childhood.

At the emergency room the seizure was STILL going on…. about two hours at this point. Still an erection (one of the telltale signs), chills, strange headedness, smells, etc. And the severe nausea and all continued with it. We got the same doc on call that had helped the last time we were in Emergency when we still had the herpetic encephalitis diagnosis. She was calming and kind. When I told her the astrocytoma diagnosis I could see it hit her strongly. She quickly regained her composure and gave P an injection to relieve the nausea. He was soon able to take the valium. The physical stuff (tummy and bowels) ebbed a good bit but the fear was so strong and the seizure continued. P was incredibly sensitive to smell. My breath was disturbing him yet he wanted me close. He was afraid of just about everything around him with moments here and there of calming. At one point when I had gotten up from his bedside to get something he asked me to come back and hold his hand because he was even feeling afraid of me. Holding my hand helped. He also asked the doctor to hold his hand.

She released us home after a couple of hours even though the seizure was still happening to some extent. She was confident that with all the anti seizure meds in him that he wouldn’t have a grand mal. She also supported him being wherever he felt most secure for the night. He was clear that was at home with me.

I asked Saul to come spend the night because P didn’t want me to leave his side. I knew I would have to in the night with Dylan still waking periodically so he agreed that he felt safe with Saul and that would be OK.

There was complete chaos at home while waiting for Saul to come. P was unable to tolerate the kids near him and only able to feel safe with me (at this point he felt afraid of Leela and didn’t want her to be with him while I put the kids to bed). All hell broke loose but P briefly fell asleep and I went to kids and then Saul arrived. Thank god. Before P fell asleep he said some very mixed up things to me. I knew what he was trying to say but I felt an iron fist clutch my stomach when I heard how he was speaking. My mind questioned if this was a by product of the seizure, the tumour growing, the valium, all of the above or what?? The radio oncologists guess that we would probably see serious deterioration of P’s mental state within six months felt like a hot and dangerous breath on my neck. What the hell was happening and why wouldn’t this seizure stop? Tick…tick….tick.

Saul moved Peter into the air conditioned living room and he fell asleep. (It was a very hot night). After an hour and a half he woke up and seemed much better. The seizure had finally stopped. The seizure had lasted approximately six hours. Damn.

He still didn’t want to be alone though. He was extremely vulnerable. Saul spent the night and all went fine.

The next day P was sleepy and vulnerable but less afraid. He slept in the living room a lot (we had moved a futon in to sleep on for the coolness). Nirala came around to chat and look at our research (she’s a friend who is visiting who happens to be a naturopath). She spent a lot of time with P. Dylan demanded a lot of mama that day after so much intensity the evening before.

It seemed like things were calming down. We slept in the living room again due to the heat. Dylan woke me at around 4:00 am and I brought him into our bed in our bedroom so as not to disturb Peter’s sleep. At 6:00 am P got into bed with me saying he was feeling fear again and couldn’t be alone. Snuggled between Peter and Dylan I went back to sleep. Maybe 20 minutes later I heard Peter sobbing. He felt terror and his bowels were upset again. We went into the bathroom. The intensity came up full force but this time it was more emotional than physical. I left him briefly to get the phone. It was almost 7:00am. I called Leela and explained. She was at our house within 20 minutes. Thank god for good friends. Luckily Dylan and Chloe were still asleep. Peter went through one of the most intense catharsis that I have seen. (And given my training as an expressive arts therapist and somatic coach as well as all my personal therapy and groups I have done I have seen quite a lot).

I sat with my back against the bathroom wall with Peter in front of me leaning back against my chest. The fear was gripping him and he prayed for help. I felt like a midwife supporting a woman in transition (the most intense part of laboring in childbirth).

Peter’s body was riddled with a fear that seemed so pure. By that I mean that it wasn’t attached to a particular story. One might hear he was in fear and think, ‘well of course, he is afraid of death’, etc. But that wasn’t it. It was more as if all the fear that he had ever felt (and perhaps not expressed or admitted to himself?) was being purged from a cellular level. And he was feeling it acutely as it came to consciousness.

Sometimes I felt a historical narrative going with it. For instance early on he expressed being so confused and afraid and not knowing what was happening. The quality of his voice was very like a young child or a foreigner in a strange country. I felt quite sure I was hearing from baby Peter in his birth process. Peter’s mother was induced with drugs because the doctor was going on holiday and wanted her to have her baby before he left. Peter wasn’t ready though. He was pulled out with forceps and was a skinny little baby. When would he have come had he been left alone to a natural course of communicating between mother and baby’s hormones? How would his birth been different and how would that have affected his over all life patterns? Who knows? I could go off on another tangent here about my political views of medicalized birth but I will restrain myself.

Waves of intensity kept welling up and taking Peter. He prayed for help. He committed himself to feeling whatever he really needed to but asked for the rest to be lifted from him. He asked to be relieved of whatever unnecessary burdens he was carrying. He did this while leaning back against me, palms lifted toward the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. Even having his palms facing upward and open became too much for him. He didn’t trust the ‘light’. He was afraid that maybe something not benevolent would enter him. He was afraid of the darkness …. More praying for help. Then he would become somewhat calm for a minute or two. During one of these moments after asking for whatever he didn’t have to feel and go through to be lifted he saw shapes like black rectangles lifting out and leaving his body. There certainly seemed to be tangible support around us from the intangible realm.

More waves of anguish took him and crushed him against my body. At times I felt my back aching but there was no way I was going to move out from behind him. I felt like a container and safe haven for his process and I was both honored and grateful for my experiences that allowed me to be with him wherever the ride took us. I felt an overflow of love, concern and compassion. The experience went on in waves for hours.

At one point on the bathroom floor, I had my hand on Peter’s chest. He had the experience of feeling some kind of energetic being there at the same time and place that he felt my hand. The two co existed yet were very separate experiences seemingly on two different planes of reality or something. I asked him about the “creature� as he referred to it. It was black, shiny and kind of like a two legged crab. It wasn’t aggressive but seemed to be very fearful. I think at one point P said that the creature was pure fear. Not ill intentioned but exuding fear. P was also a bit fearful of the creature at first but as he started to explore it and realized it was not ill intentioned he became curious and watchful. A smaller version of the creature left Peter’s chest and went up into the tumour. It hid there. Peter was clear that it wasn’t a second creature but the same creature existing in two sizes and two places. He didn’t know what it did in the tumour….hung out there. Then it crawled back down over his face and back to the bigger version in the chest. Peter seemed to be able to feel it there and just let it be.

Chloe and Dylan woke up and at some point I needed to interact with them to get them ready to go out with Leela. They needed a morning check in with Mama. Peter was past his abstract fear of Leela and so she sat behind him on the bed as I had done. He seemed calmer with her and rested a bit. I got the kids out the door and resumed my position with Peter. He was very happy to have me back and the intensity swelled again. It seemed his intimacy with me allowed a depth of experience that brought the intensity to new peaks.

The waves continued. I tried to call Faisal for guidance. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of the intensity but I could feel exhaustion coming on. Once again I wondered how much to delve into and allow the wild ride and how much to contain the experience. I was periodically reminding Peter of breathing deeply, I was speaking calmly, I assured him that he was OK and was experiencing a healing crisis, etc. A part of me wanted to guide him somewhat in the kind of inquiry practice we use in Faisal’s Diamond Heart Approach. I also felt careful not to lay my interpretations on him or take over his process. I felt like we both could use a check in with Faisal. I called his cell phone but unfortunately only got his voice mail. Then I thought of Turiya. She had been around a few days before and felt very tuned in to me and Peter. I really enjoy her presence and I have been enjoying getting to know her. I thought her many years of skill as a therapist as well as her knowledge of Faisal’s work would be a good support. She came soon after I called her.

While waiting I remember a moment when Peter expressed feeling the ‘darkness’ nearby and was trying to get rid of it. I had a hunch that the darkness wasn’t necessarily a bad thing (based on an inquiry experience I have had and my knowledge of the Diamond Heart Approach). I asked Peter if he thought he could maybe get just close enough to the darkness to have a good look at it. Check it out before chucking it out. It seemed tough at first but as I spoke to him about it without pushing him I noticed he got quiet. I didn’t want to disturb his experience so I didn’t ask any questions at that point. Then I noticed he got very quiet and calm as if he were asleep.
I wondered if he was experiencing the peace and calm of the black latifah.

I had an image of the tumour at some point during this. I saw it as a shell … crusty and worn thin in places and cracking. Inside there was light and within the light a mullosk. I wondered what the hell that meant? My crazy imagination must be going off again. But then I noticed there was something under a fold of the mullosk. There was a beautiful, smooth, shiny, pink pearl. In the Diamond heart work that has meaning. I haven’t studied the pearl essence so I don’t know what the meaning is but it was a significant symbol to me. I must remember to ask Faisal about that.

Turiya showed up. The intensity came back full force. It was interesting (and relieving) to step back and watch Turiya work. She brought him out of the intensity of the experience by holding his feet and helping him feel his body in the here and now. She helped him establish a “safe place� (his feet). She talked about the importance of not overloading the system by creating a kind of ebb and flow rhthym. Go into the experience, come out of it…gently. We took a break and walked out in nature. We looked at everyday things, walked feeling the earth under our feet, Peter and Turiya had a cup of tea and spoke about mundane things. It was work to keep a break happening though. Peter repeated over and over that he was so afraid. The tears spilled and the anguish would grip him for another ride. Turiya would let it go a little and then would bring it back to the simple experiences and physical grounding again.

We eventually lay down together and listened to a guided healing invocation by Faisal. I was trying to be present but I fell asleep during parts of it. I realized I was soooo exhausted. It was really comforting to hear Faisal’s voice. Afterwards Turiya left. She is a beautiful woman and very generous with her support.

I don’t remember a whole lot of details about the rest of the day. Peter was more stable but incredibly vulnerable, weepy and afraid. I mostly tried to have him rest and kept him as best I could from diving too much into the emotions. We both needed a little break. When they couldn’t be contained I trusted the release. When they could be contained I encouraged the rest. So it went all day and all night. Leela cooked dinner that night and I also called Sanjay to come over. It was clear that three adults were needed in the household. One for Peter, one for the kids and one for the house/cooking/cleaning, etc. I can not express enough how grateful I am that we have such a strong network of loving and intelligent friends.

After getting the kids to bed Leela left. Sanjay spent a couple of nights with us. He kept Peter company while I did my research, banking, etc on the computer. At times Peter literally needed to be held tightly. In our homophobic culture I found it refreshing and beautiful to see one man hold another man closely and lovingly. Sanjay has always been like a little brother to Peter and I am really happy he is around. I feel really comfortable with him too. We have become like family. Chloe and Dylan love him as well.

I was fine with the immediate experience of the catharsis but after 36 hours of this new level of need I started to feel overwhelmed with the prospect of the load if it continued on for a long period of time like this. I couldn’t handle being the only career in the household full time. Peter needed full time attention and Dylan needed a lot of attention. He is at the age where he is curious and into everything. I asked Leela to stay with us awhile which she was able to do for four days. That was a god send.

More to journal….the Family Constellation

I am waiting for Peter to come back from the recovery room after having had a surgical biopsy of his left mid temporal lobe. It has been less than a week since we heard the word, tumour, in the neurologists office. At the time I felt like the walls were closing in on me and the sobs that I was desperately trying to control spilled out. It seemed as if one part of me was spiraling into shock and panic while another part of me was getting a grip. I somehow managed to listen and even remember what the neurologist was saying ……..Need a biopsy right away….. Neurosurgeons in Brisbane…..most likely one of two types of tumour ….. one type imminently treatable, other type not treatable …. No way to cushion bad news …..sorry.

Dr. Boyce, the neurologist, got on the phone while we were still seated in front of him and left a message for the head of Neurosurgery at the Princess Alexander hospital in Brisbane.

Driving home Peter told me of an experience he had some months ago of feeling as if he was given the date that he would die. The date that came to him was the 6th of some month (which he now can not remember) in 2006. He didn’t tell me at the time because he didn’t want to frighten me with a “mind game� and he hasn’t wanted to give it too much energy lest we have some power in manifesting such events in our lives.

As soon as we made it to Saul and Deryn’s (where Chloe and Dylan were) I called my brother Dan whom is a doctor. He was compassionate yet clearly shaken and I sobbed. My immediate thinking was about how life would be for Chloe, Dylan and I should Peter die in the next couple of years. The children are so bonded with their father and he is such a wonderful and loving father ……..I can’t begin to imagine the impact on them and our family life should Peter die while they are still young.

When I feel into the possibility of losing Peter for myself it feels like having to sit in a huge, empty, silent and cold void. I imagine I would confront my aloneness like never before. I am very committed to continuing to grow and I hope to do so in some other way than losing Peter at our young age.

Back to the day at hand. Peter was taken to the operating theatre at around 11:00 this morning. I kissed him good-bye and went to the hospital chapel for a quiet space to reflect, pray, meditate and send Peter my love. It was empty there and I was grateful to have the space. First I cried because that was what was there and real. The crying passed and I felt a deep surrender to God. A surrender to not knowing, to not being in control and to having a human personality that usually struggles with all that. I was clear that I was praying for Peter to heal and to continue living and growing with his family. I was aware that the bigger picture may not match my desire. I felt open, vulnerable and centered. I felt trust in existence and our ability (mine and Peter’s) to walk the path that we are finding ourselves on.

Then I became aware of the energetic scene in the operating theater. I felt that those human’s working on Peter were good people, competent and giving 100%. I also imagined (or perceived?) a host of non-human beings who were giving support and guidance to the team of doctors as well as doing their own healing work on Peter. I felt immense gratitude to all of them and thanked them all.

Then I sent love, love and more love to Peter. I settled into a meditative state. After awhile I started to feel overwhelmingly sleepy. I couldn’t tell if the fact that I have very little sleep in my life was causing it. (On the rare occasions when I stop physically moving and taking care of family life I often feel how tired I am). Or was I intuitively feeling the anesthetic going to work on Peter? I also felt a sensation and pressure on the left side of my head around the area where they were doing the biopsy. I found myself talking to Peter. I felt like his physical body/personality? were feeling shock and panic at the paralyzing effects of the anesthesia. I don’t know how or why I felt this. Was it my projection or perception? I told Peter what was happening and soothingly told him to relax, to not fight it but relax around the experience. I felt like Peter’s being was strong and fine but his body or personality may need assurance.
Soon it seemed to me that he did relax on all levels and all was well.

I simply sat quietly for a while longer before making myself go eat some lunch.

……a few hours later….. the anesthesiologist just walked by. He said all went well and that Peter was waking up in the recovery room. Now we have a waiting game until the biopsy comes back. Deep breath.