Peter Lalor

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December 01, 2005

Peter's 37th Birthday & Update

It has been four months since I last wrote. Peter's close brush with death in July, the ensuing surgery, quick follow-up with radiation therapy and concurrent chemotherapy and unexpected death of our dear friend, Disha, on the final day of Peter's radiation treatment sent me for a spin to say the least. I have pulled in close to Peter and our little family during these last months. It has felt appropriate to step out of the public eye and be as present as I can with Peter and our children. So much ground we have covered in these last four months and such valleys have I travelled in my personal process. It would be impossible to recount the nuances of the story in an email so I will give you some broad strokes.

In retrospect I see that I had put a lot of hope and expectation into alternative medicine. We worked hard and diligently with many facets of healing; physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Hope became my traitor. I lost my center and deep disappointment followed.

My spiritual belief system fell apart after Peter's surgery in July. I have spent many hours in a bleak and empty landscape since then realizing how mysterious this existence is and how I really don't know from my own direct experience very much about who I am… who any of us are, and what life is really about. I have had strong beliefs but… I hit an existential crisis in a big way. I have felt incredibly rageful at times and incredibly empty at other times. Even though I have had many strong and direct experiences of something beyond the physical in my past I even have to question the origin of those experiences. I actually feel quite positive about this crisis. Empty though it may appear I feel closer to discovering my own truth rather than borrowing others' belief systems. I am okay with hanging out in this space. After a nudge from Peter's mum, a long talk with Faisal and a big cry and catharsis with our new friend, Wayne, who took Peter to Grandfather George, I feel softer again and the frozen tundra seems to be starting to melt. Surrendering to my lack of control without falling into resignation, centering in the present moment and focusing on that which I care about with out being blind to the impermanence of life seem to be key for me right now. I don't know what exactly God is but I sense that if there is a spiritual origin from which we come that I would receive understanding and compassion for my process. I still pray for guidance even while questioning existence. Something is changing and maturing in me though I can not say what yet… it seems like an unfurling of my mind's desperate need to know and control life.

Peter wrote in his last email to you that I wanted action again and set things in motion for him to go to Grandfather George. My interpretation is different. I sat with Peter one day in the midst of trying to figure out if I had fallen into resignation regarding his prognosis or if I were in surrender and being real. I expressed to him that although we have primarily been on the same page during this journey my process was mine and his was his. We did not need to merge. I didn't want my loss of faith in the alternative realms to stop him from persuing something he may be interested in. When he told me he had never forgotten about Grandfather George I immediately got on the phone. A day later we met Wayne and less than two weeks later Peter was with Grandfather George.

Peter is doing quite well right now. He has been surfing twice in the last ten days. He hadn't been surfing since the beginning of his illness. Throughout this journey Peter has continuously amazed me. He has such a positive attitude coupled with a depth and courage that astounds me. He is also one of the most honest people I know. I feel blessed to be his intimate partner. Life together certainly hasn't been dull.

Peter will be turning 37 on 3rd December. Last year he got the brain tumour diagnosis on 1st December. It was a teary and frightful birthday. This year we celebrate the fact that he is still with us and focus on enjoying every moment we have left together. Peter is focused on making that several more decades! I don't know what the future holds but I support Peter, life and all the mystery with as much of my heart as I can muster.

Peter's birthday brings me to another topic. Our dream of building a home on our land. He has been promising you an update. I offer one here.

When Peter wrote and put out his intention for building a home and coupled it with asking for donations toward that goal I felt very awkward. I know (as does Peter) that most people are financially strapped in today's economy. We all have goals we are working toward. But I also felt that Peter's dream should be known and that my discomfort was mine to deal with. I saw that I am not the only person with awkwardness around the issue of money. It was apparent in the fact that much fewer people responded to Peter's email than usual. Prior to that any time either of us wrote an update we were flooded with responses within a few days. That was a bit of a low point for Peter. Not because he expected money but because contact was broken. I say this because I want everyone to know that what matters most to Peter and me is our connection to our community. I hope for Peter's sake that your written expressions of good will and friendship will keep coming and helping him through this journey.

That said here is a report on what is happening with the house goal. Our goal is to gather a down payment of at least AU$50,000 (US$37,000). So far, between current deposits and promises of friends and family we have AU$22,000! Just about half way there! I am continuously amazed and deeply touched by the generosity that floods our life from our global community. Thank you for all the ways in which you have enriched and supported us. People have been amazing in their offers. Some who haven't a lump sum to donate have set up deposits on a monthly basis over the next year. Others have donated ideas and or their time in areas of expertise such as building, accounting, legal advice, etc. Also friends who may not have an area of expertise in terms of home building have offered their time in other arenas and have waived their fees toward supporting our declaration of home building. Others periodically send an email to let us know we are cared for and prayed for. All of the above is so supportive. We human beings are pretty amazing.

I have been getting some inquiries as to what Peter might like for his birthday. What he wants more than anything is help toward home building whatever that may look like.

If you have made or plan to make a donation please email us if you haven't already and let us know it is from you. The bank statements only show deposit amounts NOT whom the deposit is from. We would like to be able to say thank you. Our bank account info is on Peter's web site: http://www.peterlalor.org.

Chloe and Dylan are doing very well. We hope you and your families are also well and enjoying the holiday season.

Thank you again for your care and support.

Much love and many blessings from the eternally grateful partner of a beautiful and courageous man,

Jennifer

Posted by Peter at December 1, 2005 06:20 PM

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